I Wish

This is a very personal post and very close to what many of us our struggling through I think. It is a wish list of things we would like to change in this torturous endeavor of raising a RAD child.

1. I wish I had a fix for this. If I could just find one strategy that really works I would feel complete again.
2. I wish I had solid answers as to why things are the way they are.
3. I wish I had solid recommendations that were easy to navigate and always stayed the same.
4. I wish I had complete trust in the professionals I hired to help our family. I know they are trying to help us but I feel this pull from the past all the time to be wary.
5. I wish I had a solid foundation to offer to my child without all of my own trust and fears coming into play.
6. I wish my husband and I were always a team in everything we go through on this journey.
7. I wish the hard decisions were not so hard. It sounds so easy to say "call the police if you feel your family is in danger from the rage" unless it's you making that call on your own child.
8. I wish my own past did not keep interfering into my child's life.
9. I wish I could run away from it all and never look back.
10. I wish we were happy.

Of course this is not everything we feel, but this is me right now, right at this moment. I have really struggled this week. Some would say the situation that happened was minor, but to me it was huge and retriggered every bit of trauma I have inside. Through it though I have become more in tune with how I feel deep down. I am not whole any longer. I am not at peace ever. I feel no sense of security. I feel no sense of safety anywhere. My life continues to be dissected piece by piece by one professional or the other. One works on this area, one on that. It seems all see their area as an area of dysfunction in one way or another. The problem is they only see their piece and have no idea how it feels to go to the next appointment for more dissection. How can every part of me be in dysfunction? I hear very little positives anymore. If it is said, I simply do not hear it right now. If I am this bad, how can I help my child? If I can't help my child who can? What happens to him. So much to worry about while doing all the tasks and deep healing work all at the same time. I am overwhelmed. I cannot do all of this anymore, this therapy after therapy after therapy. So I am stopping, prioritizing, and stepping back from what I can at the moment. I am working on getting stronger to be able to tolerate the big picture better so that maybe I can come back and do the work that needs to be done for my son to make some progress. Maybe when every little thing does not continue to trigger my own insecurities I will be in a better place to help him. Prioritizing means I have to take care of me first. I understand that now. Next is finding the courage and doing the marital work. It is only when I am healthier and we are finally a team that any solid work with my child can happen. Because of that I am stepping back and taking a therapy break from his therapy. This is very scary and I am praying hard this is the right decision that will not cause him more harm in the end. But knowing I cannot do it all any longer without having my own breakdown forces me to prioritize and step back. If you have to take a break I am so sure that trauma therapists such as the ones we work through with our children will understand and allow us to come back when everyone is ready. I hope at least, and I pray hard.