Boundaries

This is a topic that has been on my mind lately. We all know our kids have trouble with boundaries, but do we as well? Maybe this is just me. Sometimes I feel very alone in this attachment world with very little people who actually get what is going on in our lives. I do think I become too dependent on the therapists in our case involved to help us. Yes I realize they are hired help and are not there to hold our hands through child rearing of these kids. But sometimes it feels as if they are the only ones that truly understand what is going on. This was a topic my sons AT brought up to me yesterday. She allows me email access to her. Sometimes I think this is a wonderful thing but it is so easy to overstep those boundaries via email. Maybe I wish that would have never been an option. She requested email updates at first. When something happens here and it is not really a crisis, but I do want to know how to handle it or if I did the right thing I would email her. I started emailing her when we had good moments, when I was so frustrated I just wanted to throw in the towel, and when big decisions were having to be made. It seems so easy when you are in your living room behind the computer. I knew she could read it at her leisure, I did not really feel like I was bothering her, and I got my points across and told her things I felt she needed to know. But at the same time I would regret sending some of those messages later and sometimes I would end up going into her office feeling like I totally bothered her all week. In some ways it really made me feel like a failure. But still it was so easy to do again. So boundary issues, I wonder if we all have them. My son's therapist has suggested no email communication from now on unless for scheduling purposes. Phone is for emergencies only and all communication is to be done in the office face to face. I can live with that and maybe that is something that should have been done a long time ago. I will no longer have the guilt of bothering her too much, being too needy, or giving her unnecessary information. It is slightly scary to me to have no access between appointments but I do think this is what probably needs to happen. I need to figure out how to stand on my own two feet and just tell her what happened at our appointments. Maybe I will start to feel some success that way, who knows.

I Wish

This is a very personal post and very close to what many of us our struggling through I think. It is a wish list of things we would like to change in this torturous endeavor of raising a RAD child.

1. I wish I had a fix for this. If I could just find one strategy that really works I would feel complete again.
2. I wish I had solid answers as to why things are the way they are.
3. I wish I had solid recommendations that were easy to navigate and always stayed the same.
4. I wish I had complete trust in the professionals I hired to help our family. I know they are trying to help us but I feel this pull from the past all the time to be wary.
5. I wish I had a solid foundation to offer to my child without all of my own trust and fears coming into play.
6. I wish my husband and I were always a team in everything we go through on this journey.
7. I wish the hard decisions were not so hard. It sounds so easy to say "call the police if you feel your family is in danger from the rage" unless it's you making that call on your own child.
8. I wish my own past did not keep interfering into my child's life.
9. I wish I could run away from it all and never look back.
10. I wish we were happy.

Of course this is not everything we feel, but this is me right now, right at this moment. I have really struggled this week. Some would say the situation that happened was minor, but to me it was huge and retriggered every bit of trauma I have inside. Through it though I have become more in tune with how I feel deep down. I am not whole any longer. I am not at peace ever. I feel no sense of security. I feel no sense of safety anywhere. My life continues to be dissected piece by piece by one professional or the other. One works on this area, one on that. It seems all see their area as an area of dysfunction in one way or another. The problem is they only see their piece and have no idea how it feels to go to the next appointment for more dissection. How can every part of me be in dysfunction? I hear very little positives anymore. If it is said, I simply do not hear it right now. If I am this bad, how can I help my child? If I can't help my child who can? What happens to him. So much to worry about while doing all the tasks and deep healing work all at the same time. I am overwhelmed. I cannot do all of this anymore, this therapy after therapy after therapy. So I am stopping, prioritizing, and stepping back from what I can at the moment. I am working on getting stronger to be able to tolerate the big picture better so that maybe I can come back and do the work that needs to be done for my son to make some progress. Maybe when every little thing does not continue to trigger my own insecurities I will be in a better place to help him. Prioritizing means I have to take care of me first. I understand that now. Next is finding the courage and doing the marital work. It is only when I am healthier and we are finally a team that any solid work with my child can happen. Because of that I am stepping back and taking a therapy break from his therapy. This is very scary and I am praying hard this is the right decision that will not cause him more harm in the end. But knowing I cannot do it all any longer without having my own breakdown forces me to prioritize and step back. If you have to take a break I am so sure that trauma therapists such as the ones we work through with our children will understand and allow us to come back when everyone is ready. I hope at least, and I pray hard.

The RAD challange

So my friend over at the Welcome to my brain blog posted a challange last Friday.
Here is the Challenge:

10 hugs a day
10 minutes of FUN attachment-inducing games (involving touch and/or eye contact)
20 minutes of doing something fun YOUR CHILD wants to do

For seven days straight. They cannot lose any of these things - no matter what. They get it every day for a week - no matter what.

OK so I took the challange, but I didn't want to blog about it. I knew that I would not do so well. I have been getting the hugs in and one day I got some eye contact stuff. To be honest, my son does not want to do anything fun with me. He flat out told me that. He did let me watch him play video games and I have worked on a few other things. I am trying, but I am failing mostly, but every day is a new day. Today I am taking the kids to the pool, maybe I can get some bonding stuff or fun stuff done there.
Anyone else taking the challenge? Share!
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http://www.welcometomybrain.net/2010/05/attachment-challenge.html