Thursday, May 13, 2010
I don't know what to say anymore
I don't know what to say about all of this anymore. I don't know what to do or where to turn most days. I have a fantasy of healing that I know probably will not happen. I do everything I can here and it is never enough to facilitate any real change. I allow myself the false belief that a certain behavior is over. But then it all comes back again. The reality is that this is never over and it likely never will be. My son may be able to go a few weeks without hitting someone after a week of hitting every day. I will probably always allow myself to believe that things are better, because if I don't hold on to that belief there is no reason to get up and continue trying. But I have to look at things realistically too. My son will hit me and never think twice about it. He will hurt his siblings and go about his day like it didn't happen. He will rage over a piece of paper printing off a computer and someone getting to close to it (afraid they will tear his paper). We will get knocked across the room, punched in the face, kicked in the back, bit as hard as he can, and cussed out like I never imagined from my own child. He will just continue to get bigger and I will likely get hurt one day because he is too big for me to contain any longer. My children will be traumatized and my marriage forever damaged. Life is not like we imagined it to be and is not fun. Maybe at some point I will stop trying but not yet. Right now I still have some fight left in me, but it is fading. I just know that for me to stop trying means a woman may get beat someday or a child abused by him when he is an adult and is still functioning like this. For the people in the future I will not give up. If this were just about me, well I am tired. But thankfully it is about more than just me so we continue to fight. We continue with therapy and therapeutic parenting. We continue to explore options that eventually may lead us to residential placement. We pray for a break and for something to work for us. We pray to be eligible for that service that can really help him. And some days we simply pray for our sanity and to get through one more day!!!!!